What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
