yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize