Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
