went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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