I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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