Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
