I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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