His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
