When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
