I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
