Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize