i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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