I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
NoShamevember. You game?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
