He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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