So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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