just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
