Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
