I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
