i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
