Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
