At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
