Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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