...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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