im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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