But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
