Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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