I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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