You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
