I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
