I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
