Taylor Swift is so right about you.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
