I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
