I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
