please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
