Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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