Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
