Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
