I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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