haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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