Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
