Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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