my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
