Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize