so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
