I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
