I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
