my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize