look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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