Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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