I want to make a zoo with you.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i will never coherently bang her
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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