I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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