I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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