I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
