After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
