ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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