I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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