Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
