4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize