I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
